Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs
by Der Blaue Wolf
Summary: Tales of the Blood Angels, bloodiest of chapters, the Space Wolves, fiercest of chapters, and Ultrasmurfs... bluest of chapters?
1. Chapter 1

Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs

"As the longest serving chapter master of the Astartes, I declare the 1032nd decadal meeting open," Cervan Dante said from his chair which sat up against the round table. He, like the other eight chapter masters present, was clad in full armour, with his weapon within arm's reach. After what happened last time, they were all prepared.

"Commander Dante, I believe that 'decadal' is not, in fact, a word." Marneus Calgar, hardly fitting in his chair, stood up and spoke, the armour of Antioch bringing the chair with him.

"Shut up Ultrasmurf!" Logan Grimnar said angrily. Dante sighed 'here we go again...'

This happened every year, two of the chapter masters, one of them Ultramarines, had a fight. Dante had been to more than 100 of these meetings, and every time it was the same. Last year had been especially bad, the Iron Hands' master Kardan Stronos had insulted (unintentionally) Calgar, leading to the Ultramarines 5th compnay attacking the 7th of the Iron Hands. The Ultramarine company had been cut in half. One of the Iron Hands lost an arm when his plasma canon blew up, and had to have a new metal one attached. Other than that, the Iron Hands were unharmed. So much for the amazing Ultramarines.

"You two please, calm down. We don't want the Ultramarines completely destroyed this time," the Dark Angel's Azrael said calmly.

"Shuddup, we don't want your kind interferring, Dark Angel!" Logan shouted, slamming a hand on the table, breaking it down the middle.

"While I do not agree with his choice of words, I do agree with the sentiments expressed by the lupine character on the other side of the now broken table." Marneus did his best to sound eloquent, when really the mentioning of the last meeting had deeply annoyed him. But he felt he had to be above feeling anger, being a noble Ultramarine.

"Can we please get back to business?" Dante asked, his hand gripping the Axe Mortalis in readiness.

"Not until that man apologises," Calgar said firmly.

"I won't apologize to an Ultrasmurf like him!" Logan shouted, smashing his hands down again, breaking the table into quarters.

"You dare insult the greatest chapter ever?" Marneus' fury was now evident.

Then an axe swung and stopped just touching Marneus' nose. All eyes turned to Dante, who's glare was obviously full of rage, even through his death mask. "Greatest chapter eh? With you as master?" Dante swung the axe back, and a tiny amount of blood dripped down Calgar's nose, not that anybody noticed. "You think you're better than the rest of us? I have won more battles than you have killed enemies, and with my axe I've killed more men xenos and daemons than your entire chapter. Do you really want to fight me to prove you're the 'best?'"

Marneus stood up, and energy crackled through the gauntlets of Ultramar, "I will fi..." he began to say, but then Dante swung the blunt edge of his axe into Marneu's head, knocking him out.

"You okay now Dante?" Azrael asked, unfazed by the fighting.

"Yeah, I've just wanted to let that out for more than a millennium." Dante sat back down. "Now, onto our first order of duty, we have to decide on a chapter and it's descenders to go into the Eye of Terror on a mission, code name: Operation Kill Khorne. The mission is to reach Khorne inside the warp and fight him. Chances of success are approximately 0.0000001%. Although we should send a large group, and the largest group of successor chapters is..." Everybody turned to look at Calgar as he clambered up from the floor.

"What?" Calgar asked when they all stared at him.

"Marneus, how would you like to take you chapter and descenders on a little holiday?" Dante asked, smirking behind his mask.

"Where?"

"The warp..." Dante said.

"What's the catch?" Marneus asked.

'It's in the warp...' Dante thought, "Well we need you to defeat Khorne while you're there. Nothing you Ultramarines can't handle."

"Sure..."

* * *

_10 Years Later_

"As the longest serving chapter master of the Astartes, I declare the 1033nd decadal meeting open," Dante said, surveying the seven other chapter masters around the table, which had been replaced. "Our first order of duty, is to arrange the burial of what's left of the Ultramarines..."

* * *

Bis Bald

BW


	2. Chapter 2

Another story of the best chapter, the Space Wolves, and the Ultrasmurfs.

Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs 2

"Okay, here is the battle plan then," Marneus Calgar said, trying to sound as majestic as possible.

"Didn't he die in the warp last time?" Logan Grimnar asked Dante in a hushed whisper.

"Yes, but unfortunately, that wasn't cannon, and all the Ultrasmurf noob players got upset, so he's actually still alive," Dante replied.

"IF you would all be quiet..." Marneus said, sounding remarkably much like Dante's old teacher. Very old teacher actually, as said teacher was a librarian dreadnought from the times of Horus Heresy. "The plan is simple, the Space Wolves and Blood Angels will provide a distraction, while the Ultramarines majestically attack the main stronghold, while the enemy is confused."

Dante sighed, "Or alternatively, my Sanguinary Guard and Logan's Wolf Guard could drop into the middle of the enemy fortresse, backed up by my land raiders, and we blow them to bits."

"B...But what would my noble Ultramarines do?" Calgar asked, incredulous.

"Hm... we~ll... They could... Grimnar, got any ideas?"

"Nope, not much we can trust them to do," Grimnar replied, "except... Mop-up duty?"

"WHAT? That is not a job for a noble and great Ultramarine!"

Dante smirked, "Okay, we'll go with your plan, but I'll have the Land Raiders ready to drop, along with my Sanguinary guard, okay?"

"Fine," Calgar said, before going off to get ready.

"Are you sure about this?" Grimnar asked Dante.

"Sure, I mean, with our guys ready, even if he cocks it up, by blowing the front doors off, we've got the biggest distraction we need," Dante grinned behind his death mask.

* * *

"Men, come on, victory is at hand!" Calgar shouted to his remaining men: ten Honour Guard. They were currently facing down about 100 Black Legionaries, and they dashed through the wave of bullets. Well, Calgar waddled through, as his Armour of Antioch was rather heavy.

Within a minute, six of his guards had been incapacitated, and the other four, including the chapter champion, had fled... so much for 'They shall know no fear.' Calgar stared at the 100 chaos space marines, and for the first time, a little doubt struck him about the abilities of his men.

'SMASH!' A bright red Land Raider, followed by a second fell out of the sky and hit a squad each of the chaos marines. Then out of them poured Wolf Guard teminators, as six stormraven gunships flew in, and from each came a squad of Sanguinary guard and from the grandest, Dante, and those Sanguinary Guard who personally protected him.

Calgar was, to say the least, slightly pissed off by this. But was more surprised when Dante shouted, "Where's Grimnar's Land Raider?"

Dante's question was soon answered, as Calgar heard a noise from above, and looked up, as a Land Raider Crusader came down towards him.

* * *

"We landed on something. A teminator... oh F***," the Blood Angel who was driving the crusader said.

"What?" Grimnar asked.

"We just squashed Marneus Calgar."

Logan went up to him, and patted him on the back, "I'll ask Dante to deal with this."

The driver shook slightly, as you would, Dante was scary when angry.

"Don't worry, I'm sure he'll just give you a promotion," Logan laughed before running out to join the fray.

* * *

A/N: Hm... Randomness.

Bis Bald

BW


	3. Chapter 3

Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs 3

"And now, the main event of the Space Marine inter-chapter tournament," Grimnar called out through a microphone from on top of his converted rhino, to all the assembled marines in the colliseum, "The Blood Angels Vs Ultrasmu... I mean Ultramarines commanders battle. Unfortunately, due to an accident with a Land Raider, Marneus Calgar is unable to attend, but leading the blue team in his place, please welcome 2nd Company Captain Sicarius and the Ultrasmu...marines!"

All the Ultramarines and their descenders present cheered wildly, as Sicarius, followed by Chaplain Cassius, Librarian Tigurius, Sergeant Chronus (in a Land Raider) and their Chapter champion came into the arena.

"And, facing them, lead by their Chapter Master Lord Commander Cervan Dante, please welcome the Blood Angels." From the other side of the arena, out came Dante, Mephiston, Lord of Death, Astorath the Grim, a Librarian Dreadnought and Brother Sepharan.

"Now, first up, Chapter Champion vs Brother Sepharan." The two contenders stepped forwards. "3...2...1...FIGHT!"

The chapter champion ran at Sepharan, who just stood waiting. Just as the champion was about to reach him, he activated his jump pack, flew up, and landed on the champion's head, causing him to emit an "OW!" Sepharan made a perfect landing. The champion was on the ground crying.

"And...One point to the red team!" Grimnar shouted from the sidelines. The Ultramarines in the crowd shouted at him, about how it was unfair, and Sepharan cheated, but Grimnar ignored them, "Next round... Battle of the Chaplains."

Cassius, yeah, that old guy, walked up towards where Astorath floated under the power of his jump pack.

"3...2...1... FIGHT!"

Astorath flew immediately towards Cassius, who prepared to swing at him with his crozius. Astorath slashed with his axe, cutting it clean in two, then landed behind Cassius, and hit the back of his left leg with the back of his axe. Cassius crumpled crying "My Arthritis!"

"Second point to the red team. Next up... Vehicle fight!"

The fight between the two vehicles was over rather quickly too, as the librarian dreadnought simply summoned the blood lance, and threw it straight through the Land Raider.

"WHAT?" Chronus shouted, "But I have 14 all round armour facings!"

"Lance type, AP1 weaponry. Enough said," the librarian said, walking away from the wrecked land raider.

"Third point to the red team. Next, librarians battle."

The fight started with Tigurius casting vortex of doom on Mephiston. The consequential hole in the warp sent Mephiston into the warp. While there, he bitch-slapped Khorne a few times, then cut a hole in reality with his sword, stepped out of the warp, behind Tigurius, who wet himself, and surrendered. Mephiston however 'misheard' this as an insult, and decided to throw Tigurius into orbit.

"That's a point for the red team... Mephiston that was a bit much..."

"Sorry, what did you say?" Mephiston asked, turning his transfixing gaze on Grimnar."

"Okay, Team leaders battle... Ready... FIGHT!"

It was then noticed that Dante was not actually in the coliseum, "Um..." Sicarius said, "Where'd he go?"

"he's waiting in deepstrike," Mephiston replied.

"What?" Sicarius asked.

"Hang on, he's rolling, on a 5+ he drops... failed, re-roll because Blood Angels are awesome... 5! He's coming down."

A little circle appeared just behind Sicarius, "What's that?" the Ultramarine asked.

"It's where he's trying to land."

"But why's he so close, he's going to crash into me if he scatters."

"He doesn't."

"No, I don't," Dante said. Sicarius turned, to see Dante with his infernus pistol pointed right at his head. "They may have halved my pistol's range since last edition, and I lost favoured enemy universal, but I think the improved stats and crazy rules make up for it. Also, my pistol still instant death's you!" Dante said, pulling the trigger, making an unnecessarily bloody mess.

Grimnar sighed, "Red team win, 5-0. How did I guess this would happen?"

"Because the author plays Blood Angels," Dante replied.

"Even though he's called Der Blaue Wolf? Makes no sense to me?"

"Well... maybe we should give him a new title? How about... Lord of The Angelic Host!" Dante suggested.

"Wasn't that Sanguinius' title?" Grimnar asked.

"Yeah, so Wolfie-sama's our new Primarch," Mephiston said.

(Wolfie-sama gained 'Lord of The Angelic Host' title.)

* * *

Bis Bald

BW


	4. Chapter 4

Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs, Ch4

"Okay, so our total military strength left on this planet is us four. The enemy strength is 50,000 orks," Marneus Calgar said to Dante, Grimnar and Mephiston, the last of whom was there for some fun, and to prove that hoard armies weren't as good as all that against him.

"Pity Tycho's not here, he loved ork-hunting, even had prefered enemy, ever since that weird-boy threw a vortex grenade at him," Dante said.

"What happened to him anyway?" Grimnar asked.

"He was killed off in the new edition, underwent the black rage on Armageddon. He has now joined the space dwarves in the 'edition killed us' box. He still has a model though, and you can use him. Somehow dieing made his rules about three times better as well..." Dante replied.

"Also, I thought the weird-boy used a psychic power on him. Wouldn't a vortex grenade suck him into the warp?"

"Ah, that... Well actually he did get sucked into the warp. He broke out two weeks later. Apparently the scar was from him fighting Tzeench, they spent a week at it and the only thing they did to each other was Tzeench hitting him with 'Infernal Gateway.' That's where he got the scar from."

"Isn't gateway fantasy?" Calgar pointed out.

"Yes, but shut up." Dante then coughed lightly. "Anyway, here is my plan. Mephiston, I want you to run out in front of the orks. If they actually have a brain, they'll run away. If they don't, then you kill them: simple."

"Mephiston vs 50,000 orks... seems like very unfair odds," Calgar said.

"Yeah, those poor orks..." Grimnar said.

Mephiston sighed, then walked over to the rise in the hill and looked over the edge. "You know, why don't we just drop some land raiders on them. It's not like they can damage them. Well apart from the nobs, and if I shout loudly from here they'll run over."

"We don't have an land raiders..." Calgar said.

"Well then why don't we drop you on them. Your ego's so big it should crush them," Mephiston replied.

"Says you."

"I may have a superiority complex so large that it has its own superiority complex, but that's because I actually am superior."

Calgar knew by now to just shut up. Dante and Grimnar were busily discussing what was the best way to kill an ork: Dante liked the sound made when you chopped one's head off with an axe, while Grimnar preferred slicing them in two down the middle with his axe.

"Okay, I'm going out now," Mephiston said.

"Okay, have fun," Dante replied.

Mephiston walked over the top of the ridge, only for all 50,000 orks to turn around and run at him...

* * *

"How on whichever planet we're on right now did you kill 50,000 orks by yourself in 15 minutes?" Calgar asked.

"52,956 actually, and with a sword."

"So what now?" Grimnar asked.

"Time to go home," Dante said as a stormraven flew down and he and Mephiston got on board. "Erm... sorry guys, this thing doesn't take terminator armour."

"But it does take jump packs?" Grimnar asked.

"Yeah, it's cool like that. Can't wait to actually see what the model looks like."

"Is that why we can't actually see it and there's just a big sign saying "TBA?" Calgar asked.

"Something like that... you know Calgar, not to be rude, but you're not being a self-centred **** today, and we haven't had any chances to take the piss out of Ultramarines yet either," Dante said, sounding curious.

"Oh, alright then. If the Ultramarines are not the most spectacularly magificent and amazing chapter, may the gods of chaos smight me down where I stand..."

_"RIP"_

A massive bird's foot stepped on Marneus, crushing him. Attached to the foot was a massive bird. "SQUARK! Oh sorry, forgot to check if there was anybody there."

"You're Tzeench aren't you. You wouldn't forget something like that!" Grimnar said loudly.

Tzeench smiled, or as much as one can when one has a beak, "Perhaps."

"Anyway, what're you doing here?" Mephiston asked.

"Oh Mephie, just the guy I was looking for. You see, when you went and bitch-slapped Khorne last chapter, you dropped this." Tzeench held out a magazine. On the front were pictures of battle sisters in rather skimpy armour.

Dante looked at Mephiston, "I hope you have a good expanation for this!"

"Yes actually, I do."

"Well what is it?"

"I was looking after it for Grimnar," Mephiston said, looking over at the space wolf.

"Is this true?" Dante asked Grimnar.

"What with all the alcohol I have, it might be," Grimnar scratched his head.

"Aqtuwy, ifts mine!" a voice said from under Tzeench's foot.

"Why do you have a copy of 'Sisters Sordidass?'" Dante asked.

Tzeench removed his foot, and Calgar looked up, "Well... um... Slaanesh lent it to me..."

"Oh yeah, I heard Slaanesh had got a new boy..." Tzeench said smirking.

"Oh f***," Dante said.

"That is precisely the right word," Tzeench said, before mysteriously disappearing in a puff of magic.

"Ah well. It's times like this that I have a drink," Grimnar said, pulling out four glasses of wine from nowhere and giving one to each of the other commanders.

"Well then, here's to us all!" Mephiston said raising his glass.

"To Blood!..." Dante began.

"...Wolves!..." Grimnar called out.

Calgar sighed and raised his glass, "... and Ultrasmurfs."

* * *

_Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs: Fin_

Aufwiedersehen

BW


End file.
